Why do we care what they think?

I've found over the years that a lot of the clients I work with (male and female) are holding back on their creative wild selves because of the feel and anticipation of what people might think.

The vast array of stories that are woven in fear of others opinions. 

Some based on life experiences - some of those not so nice. 

Many formed from childhood belief systems ‘ be seen and not heard’ . ‘be a good girl/boy’ you're too much , make something of yourself, that’s not what men do, 'don't be so silly'

We’re all grown up and yet those childhood constructs still hold us tamed. 

They make us wilt, compromise or quiet ourselves. Make use spiky or lack trust. Doubting and feeling lost at times.

If you’ve been around for a while here, and are part of my newsletter community you may recall my blog on eating broccoli for breakfast - that moment I reclaimed for myself to break society norms of cereals and toast and follow what my body wanted which was delicious greens first thing. 

This is just one example of reawakening our inner wild - it might seem like simple broccoli but it offered freedom, playfulness and benefits beyond the broccoli alone

In coaching this taming of the wild self, often crops up. 

The feel to do and be yourself. Often squashing parts of yourself for fear they are offensive, might put you at risk, you might be ‘seen’ and judged or make a fool of yourself. 

But why do we find ourselves with this need to fit in?

Our concern about others' opinions is deeply wired into our biology and development and here are a few examples from a neuroscience/psychological perspective to help you understand:

Survival Circuitry: Our brains evolved in environments where social rejection could mean death ( we are talking cave man time remember!). The same neural pathways (connections in our brain) that process physical pain activate when we experience social exclusion—the same parts of our brain light up similarly whether you're experiencing a broken bone or a broken connection. This isn't coincidental; social belonging was literally necessary for survival throughout human evolution and sometimes our brain may distort a situation to be more serious than it really is, become of this neural pathways being so established. 

Neurochemical Rewards:When we receive social approval, our brain releases dopamine, creating pleasure and reinforcement. This reward system makes social validation addictive in a very real neurological sense. Conversely, perceived judgment triggers cortisol release, creating stress responses that our brains are motivated to avoid. This chemical dynamic can quickly compound feels of the need to confirm or hold parts of ourselves away from the world, particular where you have a significant felt or remembered experience of the consequence of either. 

Mirror Neuron Networks:Our brains contain specialised mirror neurons that help us read and anticipate others' reactions. These neural networks developed to help us navigate complex social environments and constantly monitor how others might be perceiving us. Our brain may generalise a response and misunderstand it as a risk to our expression, for example someone winces at us and we take this as dislike, and begin to confirm (when actually they had just been thinking/processing something internally and eren’t thinking about us at all) or where we see members of a team acting a particular way and gaining credit or validity and our brain interprets this as how we should behave. 

Developmental Programming:As I mentioned before children, we learn to regulate our emotions and behaviours through others' reactions. This "social referencing" creates deep neural pathways that continue influencing us as adults, often unconsciously. Our early attachment experiences literally shape the structure and response of our developing brain, establishing patterns for how we relate to others' opinions. This means we sometimes ‘run programmes’ that may be ‘outdated; or actually not required that lead us to compromise behaviours true to our real and true self. 

Identity Formation: Psychologically, our self-concept is partially constructed through reflected appraisal- as much as it might feel irritating to admit—we understand ourselves partly through how others respond to us. This process involves the medial prefrontal cortex, which integrates information about the self with social feedback. I’d also offer that when we have strong self talk about ourselves, this can act almost like ‘another opinion’ and lead to us forming an identity based on these critical beliefs rather than on positive ones. 

This biological and psychological wiring explains why even the most independent among us remain sensitive to social evaluation.

Just becoming aware of the fact that some of this is 'biological wiring' can be a helpful insight. It's not weakness or vanity—it's the result of having a human brain designed for connection and community survival.

The good news is we can learn to adapt strategies for this and build on our confidence to express and be our natural (wild) selves. 

The people I see are the happiest are those that allow this wild within 

It might look like paint by numbers on an afternoon or knitting on the train. 

It might look like dancing (sober even) or wearing clothes that ignite your dopamine the moment you get dressed. 

It could be sploshing in puddles or climbing trees

Maybe exploring a creative career and breaking your corporate shackles 

Or challenging typical constraints and constructs of the corporate world you excel in, with something of a personal expression instead. 

This wildness of self-expression (and it doesn't have to actually be wild by the way) is rarely truly offensive.

Of course it ideally doesn’t seek to disrupt or destruct or create harm. It celebrates you, your life, our life and allows you to be more of what you are hear to be. 

Yet we have to remember that often other peoples opinions may be outside our control and influence. They may be none of our opinion!

Its one of my favourite areas to help clients explore. 

Its resulted in people speaking up in meetings, or articulating without anxiety. 

Its resulted in people sitting back, to self regulate instead of masking through extroversion that was leaving them burned out. 

Its helped many a client reignite creative hobbies or ways of expression to fuel their soul. 

And so many of those come with increased time and connection in nature. 

Its started to be an essential ingredient, part of the recipe of rewilding your self

Nature has this beautiful way of demonstrating authenticity and creativity. It collaborates for difference and celebrates life. Its a great mentor in self expression and in living life fully. 

I love that our coaching together in the woods, shows the way to yourself.

To know yourself and be yourself. And be more of that. 

As my grandad used to say: Just be yourself, all them others are taken.

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Sessions can help you rewrite the stories you have about yourself, and allow your natural self to feel calmer more confident and free for self expression.